It Comes Down to This...
Originally written Sunday, May 10, 2015
This is a hard letter to write. It’s my third Mother’s Day without you and it doesn’t feel any easier. I wish you were here to tell me it’ll all be okay—that everything will work out. That’s the thing—when things get tough I want to look to you, Mom. But things are tough because you’re not here.
All day I’ve wanted to write you a loving letter and tell you how wonderful you were. I can’t seem to find the energy—not in the “I’m tired” way, but in the “pain is too great” way. I think that’s my way of saying you were and are incredible. Your memory alone is so great. I am forever thankful you were my mother and still are. You help me through the tough times even now and celebrate with me during the joyous occasions. I can feel you. When you’re near, I know.
Facebook, Instagram were lit up with posts full of thankful and kind words celebrating their moms. And I get that everyone appreciates their own mother, but in a very “Kanye moment” I was tempted to post something like “I’m gonna let y’all have your moment, but I had the best mom of all time”.
Anyway, it comes down to this: you loved me. You loved Austin. You loved Dad. Your love was contagious. You taught us right from wrong and how to give of ourselves and love others. You weren’t “you” when you took your life, and I know that. You wouldn’t have left us.
If all the moms in the world were lined up, I’d still pick you to be mine. You were, are and will forever be my mother. I will miss you always and cherish you all the days of my life. I’m a better person because I have loved and lost you. Not that it makes it okay, but I’ve been able to grow because God has a plan for me, and I know you’d be happy to see that. I know you want me to live a happy life and want me to always remember your love—today I’m remembering it, Mom.