Everything Works Out
Originally written Tuesday, May 05, 2015
I need you this week. I need to hear your words of wisdom and encouragement. I turned to pick up the phone last night and call you. I don’t do that a lot. I think it’s because I don’t let myself miss you in the way where I forget you’re gone. I try to keep you at arm’s length because it hurts too much, but that's what writing these letters is about. I’m trying to stop pushing your memory away so I can connect with the pain of missing you, not the pain of the suicide.
Mom, I wonder how well you knew my relationship with Scott. Sometimes I feel like you didn’t know it at all, but today I’ve felt like you did. Like you know how much I miss him. Like you know more than anyone how much I miss him. I’ve felt like that this week. Dad and Austin get it. Austin tries to make me smile by sending me hilarious pictures on Snapchat. Dad checks in everyday—making sure I’m okay, as okay as I can be. They’re coming down tomorrow night, and we’ll have dinner together. And I’ll hike Kennesaw Mountain tomorrow by myself—take some time to reflect on the last year. Hiking has kind of become our thing. It's how we take a timeout when we need it most.
I feel like I’ve lost my future, Mom. I need you to tell me that I haven’t. These are the times where I want to be so mad at you for not being here, but at the same time it's when I hurt for you the most. I hate to think about how heartbroken you'd be knowing you’re not here for me. I know you never meant to not be here for me. I love you always, Mom. Remembering your favorite saying today—“everything works out”. Thankful you taught me that and hope it’ll become a favorite of mine one day.